I’m going to be straight and honest here, no Bs…because, well, it’s life.

“You’re not invited to my party.” Once a comment associated with children’s squabbles, a sentiment of social exclusion and bullying that occasionally spills into the parental sphere, with mothers engaging in the kind of playground politics and intimidation tactics we usually associate with being back at school. Instead of camaraderie and understanding, there is a void that makes all invitations and communications seem dry.

Being uninvited to a party is an all-too-familiar scenario for some mums. It just takes one mum to feel offended by something that you may not even know about, or their child has taken a dislike to your child. Or sometimes, plain and simply, they have already stereotyped you and have put you into a category and forgotten your existence. For some mothers, it leaves them feeling judged and ostracised, and what is WORSE? It really starts to affect our kids in such a negative way, whether it is about watching another parent exclude their child or being excluded themselves.

Mothers are not alone in feeling this way. Six out of ten mothers reported feeling judged by another parent. A survey by American magazine Marie Claire found that 80 per cent of millennial mums thought they’d been shamed about their parenting by other mums.

Most of the time, the bullying is about what the adult says, according to clinical psychologist Dr Rose Logan. However, the child may get isolated and referenced in comments or bullying that is being directed at the parent.

An online source states, “Sometimes, the very neighbouring communities set up to help us deal with parenting woes can be the source of the conflict.”

School and Online Bullying

Online bullying and trolling are as unpleasant as bullying in real life and, in some ways, more challenging to escape, as they affect your personal life and home.

Even celebrities aren’t immune to online abuse. Last year, the likes of David Beckham, Chrissy Teigen, and Hilary Duff also came under fire online for their parenting styles.

The problems don’t begin with social media; I suspect that as long as there have been mean parents and children, there has been rivalry and bullying between parents.

With increased parental involvement in schools, it’s clear that the problem will always exist, and sometimes it will be out of proportion. When a parent’s self-worth or esteem is tied up with their children, the stakes are higher, and the potential for bullying will likely continue within them.

Comparing the working versus stay-at-home mums.

Even teachers are starting to take notice. Something I know far too well, but teacher friends of mine here in the UK have shared some horror stories with me about the infighting that goes on between the mothers in their classes. This is the case in every school, whether private or public.

The UK’s multicultural nature should be much more open and like-minded. Many people who choose to live and raise children in the UK want to live in an environment with diverse populations. For those who are unlucky enough to stumble across those less accepting, I say, Be kind to yourself. Remember, if someone is bullying you, you haven’t done anything to deserve it. It isn’t your fault.

Was I going back to school, too?

Before my child started school, I’d spent time preparing him for the brand-new adventures. I cheered him along, promising him he’d make lots of friends and have a fab time. And he started school life like a duck to water. I, on the other hand, spent the first term reeling. I hadn’t quite realised that I was effectively going back to school as well and had to face the daunting world of playground politics and social stresses that I thought I’d long since left behind. Nonetheless, my child has now made fantastic friends!! And he is in a school where the staff are excellent!!

My personal Experience

I rocked up to the school playground dressed in my usual mum gear on the first couple of weeks. This consisted of jeans and a casual top; hair scraped back into a ‘messy hair, don’t care’ bun. And I felt all wrong. A large number of the other mums were dressed in gym gear. And not just sleek gym wear, but muddy trainers, proper stylish, sleek yoga pants and shiny kicks. Were they all planning a quick 5k run on the way home before tackling the laundry? Had I missed the memo?

Others were decked head to toe in trendy outfits. Their shoes are coordinating with their bags, and their hair is perfectly blow-dried. I not only felt like the only one who had turned up to a party without knowing the dress code, but I also wondered how on earth all the mums managed to find the time and energy to look so put together.

Naive, or do I not get the dynamics?

I naively presumed that making friends and finding my school playground mum tribe would be easy. What I didn’t realise was that I would feel left out and lonely just like I did when I was 12, when I hid in the corner of the playground, hoping the popular kids wouldn’t notice me.

I stood on the edges watching all the shiny and confident mums. They were chatting about the hilarious things that had happened at an organised school event and swapping ideas and jokes. At one point, I got invited to an amazing birthday party that one of the mums had done! I felt happy for my son because he was excited. Often wondered how they all became such a tight-knit group so quickly.

I seesawed between trying to make myself invisible, lurking in the darkest corner of the playground, pretending I was doing something super important on my phone so no one would notice me and hovering nervously on the edges of one of the mum groups with my best ‘please-talk-to-me-I’m-really-nice’ smile, hoping that someone would include me too.

Realisation kicked in

After weeks of feeling ignored and snubbed, my heart soared as the Queen Bee of the parents walked straight by me at one of the birthday parties, not even a hello! She never spoke to me directly. I felt pretty sad, but honestly, it was more painful for my son. After that, I had quit making an effort with the rest of the mums at my son’s school. Instead, I made an effort at some of the bake sales, where I got a little praise for baking 49! Cupcakes and the jarbolas for the school fair… I happen to love helping and getting involved at my son’s school, but I admit that, over time, it’s become unfortunate as my son keeps asking for playdates, while the mums tend to say no or shuffle away quickly.

I’m still channelling all the bravery and making-friends strategies I had coached my child in.

Hang in there, to all the other mums who feel lonely and left out at the school gates. Smile, keep on being you. If you see someone with a messy mum-bun on the edges of the playground pretending to do something very important on her phone, why not stroll over and say ‘Hello’? She might be your key to making the playground less of a scary place and turning it into not just a bearable experience, but a highlight in your day over the years to come. I’m optimistic, but we will see….