Parenting as a Single Mum: Am I Too Strict… or Too Soft? And What Do I Say About The Absent Parent?
One of the hardest things about single parenting isn’t the school runs, the budgeting, or even the sleepless nights worrying if you’re doing enough. It’s the self-doubt—the constant second-guessing. Developing effective strategies can help mitigate these feelings.
Am I being too strict? Too soft? Too emotional? Not emotional enough?
And then there’s the big one:
What on earth do I tell my child when they ask about their absent parent?
If you’ve asked yourself these questions lately, you’re not alone. I’ll keep it brief while breaking it down. 👇
The “Too Strict or Too Soft?” Dilemma 🫣
As single mums, we often swing between two extremes:
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The Drill Sergeant: Strict rules, tight routines, no-nonsense discipline.
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The Soother: Extra treats, fewer rules, bending boundaries to avoid tears (theirs or ours).
Why This Happens:
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Guilt about the family situation (Depending on the situation)
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Fear of being “the bad guy” when there’s no second parent to balance things
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Emotional exhaustion (sometimes it’s easier to say yes…)
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Wanting to overcompensate for what’s missing
What Helps:
Consistency + Empathy = Your Sweet Spot
Children thrive on boundaries, but they also need emotional safety.
Some tips that work for many single mums (myself included!)
Try these strategies: 👇
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🕑 Stick to simple, clear rules: Too many rules = overwhelm for everyone.
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❤️ Explain the ‘why’ behind your decisions: It builds trust.
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🧘♀️ Give yourself grace: No parent gets it right every day.
🔗 Useful Resource: Family Lives: Setting Boundaries and Rules
The Big Question:
“Where’s my dad?” / “Why doesn’t Mum see me anymore?”
Nothing hits harder than when your child asks about their absent parent.
Whether it’s through choice, circumstance, or something in between, this is an emotional landmine for both of you.
Try these strategies: 👇
Age-Appropriate Truth:
Here’s what child psychologists and family counsellors often suggest:
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Be honest—but age-appropriate.
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Keep it neutral (avoid bad-mouthing, even if it’s tempting!).
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Focus on what your child does have: stability, love, and care.
Sample Responses: 🤓
For younger children (4–7 years):
“Sometimes adults make choices that mean they can’t be here. But I’m always here for you and love you very much.”
For older kids (8+):
“I know you have questions. The truth is, your other parent isn’t involved right now for their own reasons. It’s not your fault. And if you want to talk more about it, I’m here.”
If Emotions Run High:
It’s okay to say:
“That’s a big feeling and a big question. Let’s take some time to talk about it when I can answer calmly and clearly.”
🔗 Useful Resource:
Young Minds: Supporting Children with Absent Parents
Managing Your Own Emotions
It’s okay if these questions stir up anger, sadness, or guilt for you.
You’re human. And you’re carrying both the parenting and emotional load.
Try these strategies: 👇
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Write a journal entry for what you wish you could say (helps release the emotion).
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Join a single mum support group online for validation and perspective.
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Consider counselling if these conversations bring up old wounds.
🔗 Helpful Support Links:
Final Thought:
You don’t have to be perfect.
You just have to show up, do your best, and love your child through it.
On the strict vs. soft days… on the hard conversations… just remember:
You’re doing better than you think. ♥️
Single mum parenting is a challenging yet rewarding journey. The balance between discipline and nurturing support is crucial in creating a stable and loving environment. By preparing for challenging conversations and managing emotions effectively, you can foster a positive atmosphere for your small family. Remember, you’re not alone. Many resources and communities are available to support you, helping you navigate the complexities of single motherhood with confidence and grace.
